I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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