my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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