Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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