She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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