i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
