you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
