I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
