We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Holy sore nipples Batman
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
