I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
