i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
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fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
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tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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