Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
