your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Who died my cat blue again?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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