just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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