My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I am midnight drunk by noon
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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