she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
