i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
