The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
