i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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