I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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