my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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