Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
