HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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