The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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