Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
