If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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