I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
