Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
