Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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