You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
