I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
