Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
