So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Dicks are not precious.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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