Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
