if you like me you must not know who I am
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
