dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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