If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
