And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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