it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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