maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
You can't motorboat a personality
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
