I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
