i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
