I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
