Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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