someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
