He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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