of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
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