Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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