good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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