I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I have grass duct taped all over my body
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
We need a shit load of segways right now
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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