In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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