oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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