we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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