I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
