Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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