Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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